Next Step

3 months then passed and it was time for my next appointment- 15th September 2006. My menses still did not flow regularly. Its like I took the pills and within days, I menstruated for a few days and then none.

I remembered feeling very apprehensive and cautious because of my blood test results. And I thought this would be the conclusion of it all. I mean, how many tests do they need to do in order to diagnose/conclude..

I was very glad to hear that the results were negative and overall, my blood is in a good condition i.e. no blood disorder or sorts. As they could not comprehend my condition, they then sent me for an ultrasound scan. Basically to determine if it is my ovaries that causes the menstruation to lapse.

It was a rather scary experience as it was my first ultrasound scan and besides, ultrasound is usually done on pregnant woman aint it? And so, the feeling of nervousness, scared, loss, weird, paranoid etc all came in place. For the scan, I have to fill up my bladder and I remembered mine was a funny experience because I drank way-way in advance as I was afraid I might take a long time for my bladder to get filled up.

She said my right ovary is smaller and she could not find my left ovary. Hmm. Another paranoia came into place. So what does it mean? I have an abnormal ovaries? Incomplete ovaries? What? What? What? Questions after questions filled my mind. I began to get more anxious and panicky.

I went back to see the doctor again after that (another 2hrs of wait) for a review. This time round, it was another doctor and she was more emphatic and I could hear her words clearly. It was a relief to know that nothing is wrong with my ovaries and it is common for the left to not be seen from the scan.

This time round, she did not give me any oral contraceptives. Instead, to wait for another 3months to determine if my menses would stabilise (without having any medications). Instead, I would have to return for another ultrasound scan. Again, to prove the aboved-hypothesis.

We had a joke amongst my colleagues back then. I was rather uptight for the past few weeks and my friend (former colleague) kept on saying, "Relax, don't lose your marbles over menial issues". But because I am a girl, another friend (former colleague) commented that the right saying would be, "Relax, don't lose your ovaries over menial issues". So, the next time when he commented that, my reply was, "yeah, tried as they may but they still could not find it while the right is smaller than average".. We all had our laughs and it was nice to be able to take it in a light note.

Anyway, it was at this appointment that I was also told about the prospect of Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure (POF) and its details. Of course I was shocked for a moment. The only thing that came to mind was infertile!!.. Those who knows me, knows that I would like to have at least 7kids all along but now...... I may not even have the chance for it. Of course, I then told myself that an adoption is still as the same but you know what? Imagine having your dream, your future being snatched away right infront of your very eyes. It is still not the same thing.

I was then made to take another round of blood test which determines on my hormones level - the ones that absorb and produces the necessary other hormones which makes us, women to menstruate. In a simple laymen explanation, our body releases these hormones which will then be absorbed by our ovaries to produce/release the egg for menstruation to take place.

In my case, for some reasons, these hormones are not absorbed and another hormones that assists in the absorption is not present. Thus a higher counts of these hormones would indicate a higher risk of a POF diagnosis.

I was devastated for my future...............................................