Re: A long time due

Yes, its been a fricking really long time since I last wrote - more than a year to be exact!! No good excuse except for being plain lazy.. And initially I had thought of leaving it "de-funct" or stagnant but surprisingly, Ive been receiving comments here and there which shows that this blog is still of readership value.. So I guess, Im writting abit for those people too..

So what has been new since the last entry?

Well, I had my Bone Mass Density (BMD) test somewhere in May this year. Basically it is a test to estimate the age of my bones and the extent of its loss. Cause, it is said that in the case of women who has menopause, their estrogene level stops. And estrogene aids in the development and replacement of bone tissues and bone minerals. In the case of absence, the bones becomes brittle and a high risk of having osteoperosis. And in most cases, osteoperosis is one of the main cause for fractures.

So anyway, I went for the test and it was an interesting experience. A month later, somewhere in June, I got my results. Yes, I do have osteoperosis and osteopenia too. At first, I was shocked and in disbelief. I mean, I am young. I am fit - not as fit but fit and healthy nonetheless. I exercise every now and then. I do physical activities with my students. Thus, I do not understand why and how it could have been.

From shocked and disbelief, I moved on to fear. Fear of what osteoperosis might do to me, might affect me and mostly fear of my job. From my limited knowledge about osteoperosis, it is said that the bones are brittle and higher rate of bone loss and lower rate of bone replacement. As such, a high likelihood for a fracture when fall. I do not fear of falling or the fracture. I fear that I will not be able to do my job. I fear that it will hinder my job. Mostly, I fear it will rob me of the cause that I am passionate on and I will have to give it up.

Gynae gave me another supply of medicine to take. Again, its for life. Its called, "Protos". Its of a stronger type of medicine for the bones. The good thing is, its in a sachet form so no pill for me. So I took it for the next few nights. I felt different during the day. Like I used to have muscle and back aches easily but it does not now. However, I also realised that each night after I took it, it caused a "tingling" sensation down my spine and my back ached (left) as well. As such, my sleep was disrupted coz its rather discomforting to sleep only in one position.

So after a few weeks, I stopped taking it. Then I takes it when I remembers it.

From fear for my job, I began to develop fear over small little things like I had to walk extra slowly and carefully if the road/pavement is slippery. Or I would avoid that road/pavement as possibly if I could. I fear if I run or jump, I might fall and when I do, I might fracture my bone. I fear for activties that I enjoy like badminton, cycling or even playing in the rain. I fear for every single things and actions.

Thankfully, the fear does not stay for long cause I soon realised that if I let the fear controls me, I will miss out on the wonderful things in life. As such, I've decided to take control of my life and take a gamble. And I have not looked back on my decision ever since.

I have not fallen thus far.. Neither do I cut back on my work involvement too. I guess, it is all but a "mind over matter".. Life has been good and is going good too! *smilez*

From missing

Hey-Ya!

Guess its been a while since I last updated huh?.. Hehehe.. Well, nothing much or significant except that I got my menses back after taking the BCP.. Wohoo!!! Yupz, its been 3days since and I was recalling back all the pains from it (cramps, bloatedness, hunger, cravings).. Sheez!.

But well, I guess I am thankful that "it" came. Doc said it doesnt matter if "it" came as a result of BCP. So, it means I'm taking BCP for life, I reckon.. Hehehe..

On a side note, its been a rather humid and hot days these few days and nights too.. Gosh!!.. Its getting more and more difficult to have a good night sleep these days.. And oh! I'm not sure if its my menses that induces/triggers it but I've been rather stubborn and assertive these days as well.. Like where to eat, what to do etc.. If I dont feel like it, I wont do it.. Which by the way, kinda irks my family members alot but hey! I just dont give a *hoot*.. Hehehehe..

Life's good? Oh yeah!!!! *rock on*

What You're Made Of

I'm just gonna be brief because a celebration is in order tonight. (you'll know later)

Today, I had my chromosomes result (finally!! yay!!).. And it was indeed a yay too!!.. After waiting for a whole-freaking day (due to miscommunication on my appointment), it was all worth it actually. To hear the doctor saying, "...everything is fine and normal.. You are fine and normal.."

I mean, not that I am not but the test that was done was to actually verify the cause of my POF. And my results proved positive:-

+ 48 XX chromosomes in tact
+ negative on Fragile X and Turner's Syndrome

So, basically it is all okay. I am all okay. Whats not so okay is that they and I still does not know on what causes my POF. Doc said we could do more tests like test on my enzymes, tissues etc but we both concur that it is not necessary. I mean, as long as we know that the major causes are now negatives, we can look forward to the future right?

Another good news is that, because everything else is fine with my body (and me), Doctor now recommended for a yearly checkup instead of every 3monthly. And oh! I am slated for a Bone Mass Density (BMD) testing in May 2008 however. And oh! I have started taking my Meliane (birth control pill) and Calcium pills recently and thus far, I have not seen any changes yet as in physiologically or physically. Though emotionally, I am feeling calmer and taking a step at a time.

And thats what Im choosing to do now. I accepted that its all God's will and for some reason He chose me to go through this challenge so I accept His challenge and I'm gonna go through with it.

I remember a quote that says.. "..celebrate each small steps.." (or something like that)

Wohoo!!!!

I Would Die For That

Alls said in a song.....

When you thought nomore

Over lunch last week, I was talking with a dear friend on life changes and expectations. And we both agreed that we (and most humans) are chasing after the wrong things in life. We chased for more wealth, higher job status, bigger car etc and in doing so, we compromised our quality times with our loved ones, our family and our friends. And as we reach our deathbed, the (usually and most common) one thing that we reminisce on are those quality times and a dying wish that we had done our lives differently - that we would spend more quality time than the chasing dreams. But alas, it was too late. And a wish remains as a wish.

Hasn't that always happen on people? And that made me reflect and think.

I have also been surfing around blogs and came across numerous blogs about infertility, IVF, surrogacy etc. . Maybe, like those (strong and faithful) women, I too could undertake the similar process, you know of fertilisation, artificial insemination etc. Maybe I could consider of "preserving" my eggs while I still can (or if). Maybe all is not lost and I could have my own kids through these methods. And with that hope shines through again.

But who am I kidding here? Even if I do manage to carry out the above, there is still a risk that my child may be born with a disability. And I cant deal with that. It is not about the social stigma but the quality of life. In this modern life, although much has been done to increase the welfare of persons with disabilities, many much more are still lacking.

Back at where Im working, I see the concerns of these parents daily. The young parents are concerned on the future education of their child while the older and matured parents are more concerned on the future of their child in general after the parents passed away. It is very sad.

And in the silent of the night, my tears flowed once again as feeling of loss and devastation overcame me......

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"You think the pain is numb and you can't cry anymore.

Then one day, you realise there is always tears left for you to cry.."

~Quoted from another blog user~

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One last Puffs

oh ya.. I forgot to mention this which I find it to be funny even till today..

Doctor: You don't smoke right?

Me: No, I don't.

Doctor: (heaves a sigh of reliefs) Phew! Good.. Don't smoke okay. Be it active or passive.

I find it funny because of the way she said it and her facial expression as well. Its like an advice given to youngsters on the dangers of smoking. For God's sake, Im a ADULT already - one who knows the right from wrong, the good from bad etc.. I guess I just look young.. Hehehe..

oh ya.. I was thinking about the genetic linkage that she has been mentioning about and it hit me that day. I have an aunt in her late 50's (from maternal side) whom I recalled my late grandma mentioning that she (my aunt) has never have menstruation cyle before. And at that time, in the 70's, it was a non-issue and life just moved on.. Hmmm...

Oh well....Its just interesting to know how the puzzle is slowly fitting in now.. So, we shall see yeah... :)

My shattered dreams..

As given, I went for my follow-up last week i.e. 21st June 2007. How ironic that all of my medical appointments with major results awaiting, falls either a day before or after my day.. Hmm..

Anyway, I went to see the Specialist on that day. Her first question was, "..how are you?" which was nice actually. And you can immediately sensed her sincerity in that question and it is not just a typical question which Doctor is required to ask him/her patients. Her next question as she read my case file was, "so how? all cleared? nearly a year since I last saw you.." She remembers me.. I am flattered..

We started off by her questioning me on my understanding of POF and she made some clarifications about it as well. When it comes to fertility, she actually whispered (and with a dire look of concern) as she asked me THE question. I nodded and smiled as I responded that I have already psychologically prepare myself for that and I am coming to terms with it all. To me, an adoption is still a viable option. Of course, I would want my own kids naturally but if I cant, should I thus deprive myself of the joy, the warmth, the love of a child simply because he/she is not by my birth?

I sensed that she was shocked with my calmness and ease although she did concur with my views as well. We then discussed on the types of medication and it dawned upon me that I have now become chronic case. This is because, the medications which I will be taking, it is for lifelong. Just like how my elder sis is relying lifelong on thyroidsine to control her thyroid glands, and so am I now. Looks like it all runs in the family yeah?.. Hehehe..

After hearing both sides, I have decided to take on oral contraceptives (Meliane) instead of HRT. Meliane is also considered as a form of hormone replacement as it induces these hormones (which I am lacking in some and excess in some) for menstruation. In comparison with HRT, it is merely for hormones replacement. Besides, HRT has a higher and stronger effect which is suitable for women who has menopaused but not recommended for those with POF.

We were unable to discuss about the chromosomes as the results are not out yet. I was once again scheduled for another follow-up for this. Meanwhile, I told the Doctor that I doubt I would have a Turner's syndrome because from what I researched and read, persons with Turner's syndrome are mainly smaller in height and has some form of growth defects. As for me, I am averagely short i.e. 150cm and I do not have any of the physical characteristics described. The Doctor replied that one can't determine Turner's syndrome simply based from height or physical characteristics alone. Turner's syndrome may have an impact in the body that one may not know about like heart, liver, kidney, lungs-related conditions etc."

"..oh, you mean, just like in Autism and ADHD? You cant tell simply by their looks.." And she said yes. And at that point, my expressions changed. I was hoping to rule myself out from anything and simply be contented with POF being an act/will from God, and that I am healthy too. But I was wrong as I am still in the danger stage, basing from her explanations. And that made me fret and worried about the uncertainty.

The whole week, I was thinking and worrying about the above, the hypothesis, formulating a backup plans etc. Now, it is no longer about being able to conceive or not but about my general health. Now that is scary. But you know what? I was also thinking and reflecting that IF anything untowards or undesired happens, I have no regrets of how I run my life all these while.

+ I have no enemies (Im not sure if others considered me as theirs but even so, it doesnt bother me cause I dont consider you as an enemy).

+ I am single (and Im fine with that as it means I do not have to see another important and dearly heart breaks and weeps. Do you know that to have another person's heart breaks and tears for you, is most saddening? At least, thats how I feel. So I cant bear that responsibility. Its just too heavy and much and selfish. At least thats how I feel)

+ I have worked (the joys, the experience, the tribulations, the downfalls - these are all that makes me grow, that makes me experience the things called life and not forgetting the wonderful friends I have made along the way - each special in every way)

+ I have family and friends (those that accepts me for my quirks and irrationality through the years and those that stuck by me even when their own dynamics and priorities changed. Yes, I have offended some with my ways, my views, my questions but I hold no grudge, judgemental nor malice against them all)

Oh.. I did ask the Doctor if this is common and has she experienced with such cases. She replied that an 14-year old gal was diagnosed with POF yesterday. Compared with mine (which was a gradual menstrual loss), this gal do not even have any menstruation. I feel lucky but yet very sad for that poor girl. She is only 14 and to be told at 14 that you may not be able to conceive is like taking a life away, robbing the dreams away. Perhaps, she may not want children thus this came as a good news but it is hard to say for the future.

Even for myself, who is all calm and composed and appear to have accepted it all, for all I know, it is actually being in denial. I do know that I am fine with the newfound fact (that I cant conceive) and so are my family members and my few close friends. They never ask me how I feel about it unless I initiated on the topic. And even then, they too do not know what to say further so they did what most rational and matured people did - comforting words. And the conversation then quickly moved to a different topic. I guess they are uncomfortable so I did not want to prolong it and moved along as well. Though sometimes I feel its difficult because noone seems to want to talk about it but merely listen. I feel inadequate with having a listening ear, like Im whining too much. Its nice to have someone to talk to instead.

For the future, I dont know.. All I know is that I have to live with a fact that was given to me -without my consent or choice..............

And so it goes

And finally the day, I have been waiting for is finally here - 8th June 2007. I kept on thinking about this day for the past few days. Kept on recalling on the memories, the choices I've made all these while. Of course, the night sweats and blushes have decreased and sometimes I went for a few loong days of not experiencing any. The duration is shorter too. So that's a good sign.

Of course, the same can't be said about my mood swing though. At times, it was really bad as I was easily upset even with simple-simple things like punctuality etc. And the thing is, I don't realise that I do until I've done it. It was simply uncontrollable. And of course, I cried ALOT. I was so sensitive that evn watching TV shows made me cried (and mind you, I came on mid-way to the show so not knowing whats happening but I cried buckets). Rather embarrassing but heck it!!.. But I am also glad that this time round, my mood swing was more inclined towards being reflective and sad. Unlike in the past where it was more of a defensive and offensive nature. Now, I am usually in a state of calmness and so I trust that it is a good thing.

Despite feeling calm and pretty much guess what the outcome would be, I was still feeling quite nervous. Speculating on it versus hearing it "live" are two different reality. And so I waited and waited and waited till finally.

The doctor is nice and emphatic. She told me as it is that indeed what we have been speculating is true afterall. Indeed, I am now diagnosed with having it. Next step is to find out its causes and what to do next. One of them is to undergo another round of test on my chromosome. It is said that sometimes in cases of rare chromosomes, it can cause one to have POF. If the result is negative, then we reckon, its God'd will. After which, is to determine the types of HRT as well as counselling. The main thing is to prevent any other health complications in the future due to POF.

Amazing huh? In just a day, everything comes to a standstill. All your life, you've been going through it in the way other normal people would - running, eating, sleeping, schooling, working, love, hate, likes, dislike, family, friends, foe, colleagues etc. But little do you know that in going through life, something is amiss unknowingly.

Of course, I was upset but I don't know, around people, I tend to be more positive. I guess I am positive all along but its just that sometimes, in my own private moment, I think about stuffs and that kinda got me sad and upset with myself. So I tried to not think so much these days. A few friends came up to give comforting and positive words. Some uses God as a pillar of strength. Some uses their own near-experience of inability to conceive as a comfort. Of which, I am all thankful for.

I have learnt that life doesn't stop for me now that I have it. I still have my dreams, my future, the things I want to achieve in my life. Perhaps some things now have to forgo or let go of like having my own kids but hey! Adopting is all the same too right?.. And ya, perhaps taking my health extra carefully from herein. Its a scary road to take indeed cause I've asked the doctor if there is more of cases like mine. She replied several but she doesn't divulge much on the details. Doctor-Patient confidentiality sorta to say. Oh well, I now await for my test results and what do we do next.

My name is Siti. I have "Pre-mature Ovarian Failure". And this is my story......................................

3 months

3 months passed yet again and its now 5th April 2007.

To be honest, I have sorta given up on the whole process. I have accepted that I may have POF and its a reality, I must accept. I no longer wish to be proven otherwise. No longer have hopes and beliefs for things to be otherwise. Yes, some of my friends said that God is the creator of us all and He has a plan for everyone. Thus not to lose any hope on being able to conceive. Though it is true that there has been a small % of women with POF who conceives but you know what? I would rather be hopeless than to have hopes but will never materialises. I reckon, it is better to be in acceptance than in dark denial.

But I still go for my medical checks as my health is still a priority. The doctor took quite awhile before she asked me this, "..tell me that you have it after taking the pills..".. And I replied yes but only for a few days and no more. She was initially elated with the first reply and come the second, she was baffled. She then asked all those typical questions which I have answered for a dozens time each time I came. She was more baffled. But I like her because she was honest. She said that she has not seen nor experience with such cases before. I think sometimes, we forgot that doctors do ont necessarily have all the answers. They are but humans afterall and thats okay to be honest of not knowing. Empathy is good but so is honesty. And perhaps a sense of humor as well.. Hehehe..

Based on my results, everything is normal - from blood to my ovaries. The only variable that does not fit is the hormones level (FSH/LSH). So, she went to another doctor for consultation while I waited. A few minutes later she came back. She apologised for the fact that she does not have the answers that I seek for and neither does the other doctor. Reason being, such cases are very rare in our community. As such, she made me take another hormone test before they could diagnose (finally!!!). And after the diagnosis, they would need to run more tests to firstly find out why and how it could happen to a young adult as myself. And secondly, is to place me on a Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) which is basically a long-term medication care.

So yeah, I have never been soo happy in life to hear that word (diagnosis)................

The Aftermaths

Well, it was certainly a relief that people now know, so there is no longer any secrets to be guarded/kept tightly. Certainly a relief indeed. But a relief is then replaced with queries like how could it be possible? What triggers it? What to do now? etc etc.. And of course, (unspokenly) blame were then being shifted around. Is it my fault? Is it yours? Is it my negligence? Is it yours? etc etc.. Oh man!!!...

Thankfully, the probes did not last long. After a few days, people simply stop asking or looking at me in a sorta weird or funny way. After a few days, life went back to normal for everyone, including me (or so it appears on the surface). I began on my quest for knowledge eventhough the outcome was still a mystery. I thought if the result was negative, then all I have gained is a general knowledge. And if it is positive, then all I have gained is a better understanding. The more I researched, the more similarities I found through the given checklist. And the more prepared I was (mentally) if the result was positive.

3months passed by and soon came 22nd December 2006. I went for my ultrasound scan and for my medical review. The doctor revealed that the hormones level were indeed relatively high. However, my scan results proved to be at a normal range i.e. nothing appeared wrong with my ovaries. but they can't figure out why the hormones were not absorbed. Thus the 2 results were rather confounding. To further deduce, I was then made to go for another blood test as well as to take another (stronger) dosage of oral contraceptives.

I don't quite understand it either. I mean, if my ovaries are fine or in its normal range, so how could I possibly have a "Pre-mature Ovarian Failure"? A possibiliy that was just too hard to swallow. And I was not able to answer questions from my mother, sisters, friends cause I, myself was at a puzzlement. In the end, mother felt that I am better off not finding out anymore and to end any treatment possible. She still believe that based on her own past experience, I would gain a similar outcome like hers too i.e. resumed menstrual cycle.

I guess, I am just the sort who wants to know what causes it and what can be done to avoid it for the future and what can be done till then. But I am surely glad to have done my research in prior.............................................