What You're Made Of

I'm just gonna be brief because a celebration is in order tonight. (you'll know later)

Today, I had my chromosomes result (finally!! yay!!).. And it was indeed a yay too!!.. After waiting for a whole-freaking day (due to miscommunication on my appointment), it was all worth it actually. To hear the doctor saying, "...everything is fine and normal.. You are fine and normal.."

I mean, not that I am not but the test that was done was to actually verify the cause of my POF. And my results proved positive:-

+ 48 XX chromosomes in tact
+ negative on Fragile X and Turner's Syndrome

So, basically it is all okay. I am all okay. Whats not so okay is that they and I still does not know on what causes my POF. Doc said we could do more tests like test on my enzymes, tissues etc but we both concur that it is not necessary. I mean, as long as we know that the major causes are now negatives, we can look forward to the future right?

Another good news is that, because everything else is fine with my body (and me), Doctor now recommended for a yearly checkup instead of every 3monthly. And oh! I am slated for a Bone Mass Density (BMD) testing in May 2008 however. And oh! I have started taking my Meliane (birth control pill) and Calcium pills recently and thus far, I have not seen any changes yet as in physiologically or physically. Though emotionally, I am feeling calmer and taking a step at a time.

And thats what Im choosing to do now. I accepted that its all God's will and for some reason He chose me to go through this challenge so I accept His challenge and I'm gonna go through with it.

I remember a quote that says.. "..celebrate each small steps.." (or something like that)

Wohoo!!!!

I Would Die For That

Alls said in a song.....

When you thought nomore

Over lunch last week, I was talking with a dear friend on life changes and expectations. And we both agreed that we (and most humans) are chasing after the wrong things in life. We chased for more wealth, higher job status, bigger car etc and in doing so, we compromised our quality times with our loved ones, our family and our friends. And as we reach our deathbed, the (usually and most common) one thing that we reminisce on are those quality times and a dying wish that we had done our lives differently - that we would spend more quality time than the chasing dreams. But alas, it was too late. And a wish remains as a wish.

Hasn't that always happen on people? And that made me reflect and think.

I have also been surfing around blogs and came across numerous blogs about infertility, IVF, surrogacy etc. . Maybe, like those (strong and faithful) women, I too could undertake the similar process, you know of fertilisation, artificial insemination etc. Maybe I could consider of "preserving" my eggs while I still can (or if). Maybe all is not lost and I could have my own kids through these methods. And with that hope shines through again.

But who am I kidding here? Even if I do manage to carry out the above, there is still a risk that my child may be born with a disability. And I cant deal with that. It is not about the social stigma but the quality of life. In this modern life, although much has been done to increase the welfare of persons with disabilities, many much more are still lacking.

Back at where Im working, I see the concerns of these parents daily. The young parents are concerned on the future education of their child while the older and matured parents are more concerned on the future of their child in general after the parents passed away. It is very sad.

And in the silent of the night, my tears flowed once again as feeling of loss and devastation overcame me......

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"You think the pain is numb and you can't cry anymore.

Then one day, you realise there is always tears left for you to cry.."

~Quoted from another blog user~

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One last Puffs

oh ya.. I forgot to mention this which I find it to be funny even till today..

Doctor: You don't smoke right?

Me: No, I don't.

Doctor: (heaves a sigh of reliefs) Phew! Good.. Don't smoke okay. Be it active or passive.

I find it funny because of the way she said it and her facial expression as well. Its like an advice given to youngsters on the dangers of smoking. For God's sake, Im a ADULT already - one who knows the right from wrong, the good from bad etc.. I guess I just look young.. Hehehe..

oh ya.. I was thinking about the genetic linkage that she has been mentioning about and it hit me that day. I have an aunt in her late 50's (from maternal side) whom I recalled my late grandma mentioning that she (my aunt) has never have menstruation cyle before. And at that time, in the 70's, it was a non-issue and life just moved on.. Hmmm...

Oh well....Its just interesting to know how the puzzle is slowly fitting in now.. So, we shall see yeah... :)