My shattered dreams..

As given, I went for my follow-up last week i.e. 21st June 2007. How ironic that all of my medical appointments with major results awaiting, falls either a day before or after my day.. Hmm..

Anyway, I went to see the Specialist on that day. Her first question was, "..how are you?" which was nice actually. And you can immediately sensed her sincerity in that question and it is not just a typical question which Doctor is required to ask him/her patients. Her next question as she read my case file was, "so how? all cleared? nearly a year since I last saw you.." She remembers me.. I am flattered..

We started off by her questioning me on my understanding of POF and she made some clarifications about it as well. When it comes to fertility, she actually whispered (and with a dire look of concern) as she asked me THE question. I nodded and smiled as I responded that I have already psychologically prepare myself for that and I am coming to terms with it all. To me, an adoption is still a viable option. Of course, I would want my own kids naturally but if I cant, should I thus deprive myself of the joy, the warmth, the love of a child simply because he/she is not by my birth?

I sensed that she was shocked with my calmness and ease although she did concur with my views as well. We then discussed on the types of medication and it dawned upon me that I have now become chronic case. This is because, the medications which I will be taking, it is for lifelong. Just like how my elder sis is relying lifelong on thyroidsine to control her thyroid glands, and so am I now. Looks like it all runs in the family yeah?.. Hehehe..

After hearing both sides, I have decided to take on oral contraceptives (Meliane) instead of HRT. Meliane is also considered as a form of hormone replacement as it induces these hormones (which I am lacking in some and excess in some) for menstruation. In comparison with HRT, it is merely for hormones replacement. Besides, HRT has a higher and stronger effect which is suitable for women who has menopaused but not recommended for those with POF.

We were unable to discuss about the chromosomes as the results are not out yet. I was once again scheduled for another follow-up for this. Meanwhile, I told the Doctor that I doubt I would have a Turner's syndrome because from what I researched and read, persons with Turner's syndrome are mainly smaller in height and has some form of growth defects. As for me, I am averagely short i.e. 150cm and I do not have any of the physical characteristics described. The Doctor replied that one can't determine Turner's syndrome simply based from height or physical characteristics alone. Turner's syndrome may have an impact in the body that one may not know about like heart, liver, kidney, lungs-related conditions etc."

"..oh, you mean, just like in Autism and ADHD? You cant tell simply by their looks.." And she said yes. And at that point, my expressions changed. I was hoping to rule myself out from anything and simply be contented with POF being an act/will from God, and that I am healthy too. But I was wrong as I am still in the danger stage, basing from her explanations. And that made me fret and worried about the uncertainty.

The whole week, I was thinking and worrying about the above, the hypothesis, formulating a backup plans etc. Now, it is no longer about being able to conceive or not but about my general health. Now that is scary. But you know what? I was also thinking and reflecting that IF anything untowards or undesired happens, I have no regrets of how I run my life all these while.

+ I have no enemies (Im not sure if others considered me as theirs but even so, it doesnt bother me cause I dont consider you as an enemy).

+ I am single (and Im fine with that as it means I do not have to see another important and dearly heart breaks and weeps. Do you know that to have another person's heart breaks and tears for you, is most saddening? At least, thats how I feel. So I cant bear that responsibility. Its just too heavy and much and selfish. At least thats how I feel)

+ I have worked (the joys, the experience, the tribulations, the downfalls - these are all that makes me grow, that makes me experience the things called life and not forgetting the wonderful friends I have made along the way - each special in every way)

+ I have family and friends (those that accepts me for my quirks and irrationality through the years and those that stuck by me even when their own dynamics and priorities changed. Yes, I have offended some with my ways, my views, my questions but I hold no grudge, judgemental nor malice against them all)

Oh.. I did ask the Doctor if this is common and has she experienced with such cases. She replied that an 14-year old gal was diagnosed with POF yesterday. Compared with mine (which was a gradual menstrual loss), this gal do not even have any menstruation. I feel lucky but yet very sad for that poor girl. She is only 14 and to be told at 14 that you may not be able to conceive is like taking a life away, robbing the dreams away. Perhaps, she may not want children thus this came as a good news but it is hard to say for the future.

Even for myself, who is all calm and composed and appear to have accepted it all, for all I know, it is actually being in denial. I do know that I am fine with the newfound fact (that I cant conceive) and so are my family members and my few close friends. They never ask me how I feel about it unless I initiated on the topic. And even then, they too do not know what to say further so they did what most rational and matured people did - comforting words. And the conversation then quickly moved to a different topic. I guess they are uncomfortable so I did not want to prolong it and moved along as well. Though sometimes I feel its difficult because noone seems to want to talk about it but merely listen. I feel inadequate with having a listening ear, like Im whining too much. Its nice to have someone to talk to instead.

For the future, I dont know.. All I know is that I have to live with a fact that was given to me -without my consent or choice..............

And so it goes

And finally the day, I have been waiting for is finally here - 8th June 2007. I kept on thinking about this day for the past few days. Kept on recalling on the memories, the choices I've made all these while. Of course, the night sweats and blushes have decreased and sometimes I went for a few loong days of not experiencing any. The duration is shorter too. So that's a good sign.

Of course, the same can't be said about my mood swing though. At times, it was really bad as I was easily upset even with simple-simple things like punctuality etc. And the thing is, I don't realise that I do until I've done it. It was simply uncontrollable. And of course, I cried ALOT. I was so sensitive that evn watching TV shows made me cried (and mind you, I came on mid-way to the show so not knowing whats happening but I cried buckets). Rather embarrassing but heck it!!.. But I am also glad that this time round, my mood swing was more inclined towards being reflective and sad. Unlike in the past where it was more of a defensive and offensive nature. Now, I am usually in a state of calmness and so I trust that it is a good thing.

Despite feeling calm and pretty much guess what the outcome would be, I was still feeling quite nervous. Speculating on it versus hearing it "live" are two different reality. And so I waited and waited and waited till finally.

The doctor is nice and emphatic. She told me as it is that indeed what we have been speculating is true afterall. Indeed, I am now diagnosed with having it. Next step is to find out its causes and what to do next. One of them is to undergo another round of test on my chromosome. It is said that sometimes in cases of rare chromosomes, it can cause one to have POF. If the result is negative, then we reckon, its God'd will. After which, is to determine the types of HRT as well as counselling. The main thing is to prevent any other health complications in the future due to POF.

Amazing huh? In just a day, everything comes to a standstill. All your life, you've been going through it in the way other normal people would - running, eating, sleeping, schooling, working, love, hate, likes, dislike, family, friends, foe, colleagues etc. But little do you know that in going through life, something is amiss unknowingly.

Of course, I was upset but I don't know, around people, I tend to be more positive. I guess I am positive all along but its just that sometimes, in my own private moment, I think about stuffs and that kinda got me sad and upset with myself. So I tried to not think so much these days. A few friends came up to give comforting and positive words. Some uses God as a pillar of strength. Some uses their own near-experience of inability to conceive as a comfort. Of which, I am all thankful for.

I have learnt that life doesn't stop for me now that I have it. I still have my dreams, my future, the things I want to achieve in my life. Perhaps some things now have to forgo or let go of like having my own kids but hey! Adopting is all the same too right?.. And ya, perhaps taking my health extra carefully from herein. Its a scary road to take indeed cause I've asked the doctor if there is more of cases like mine. She replied several but she doesn't divulge much on the details. Doctor-Patient confidentiality sorta to say. Oh well, I now await for my test results and what do we do next.

My name is Siti. I have "Pre-mature Ovarian Failure". And this is my story......................................

3 months

3 months passed yet again and its now 5th April 2007.

To be honest, I have sorta given up on the whole process. I have accepted that I may have POF and its a reality, I must accept. I no longer wish to be proven otherwise. No longer have hopes and beliefs for things to be otherwise. Yes, some of my friends said that God is the creator of us all and He has a plan for everyone. Thus not to lose any hope on being able to conceive. Though it is true that there has been a small % of women with POF who conceives but you know what? I would rather be hopeless than to have hopes but will never materialises. I reckon, it is better to be in acceptance than in dark denial.

But I still go for my medical checks as my health is still a priority. The doctor took quite awhile before she asked me this, "..tell me that you have it after taking the pills..".. And I replied yes but only for a few days and no more. She was initially elated with the first reply and come the second, she was baffled. She then asked all those typical questions which I have answered for a dozens time each time I came. She was more baffled. But I like her because she was honest. She said that she has not seen nor experience with such cases before. I think sometimes, we forgot that doctors do ont necessarily have all the answers. They are but humans afterall and thats okay to be honest of not knowing. Empathy is good but so is honesty. And perhaps a sense of humor as well.. Hehehe..

Based on my results, everything is normal - from blood to my ovaries. The only variable that does not fit is the hormones level (FSH/LSH). So, she went to another doctor for consultation while I waited. A few minutes later she came back. She apologised for the fact that she does not have the answers that I seek for and neither does the other doctor. Reason being, such cases are very rare in our community. As such, she made me take another hormone test before they could diagnose (finally!!!). And after the diagnosis, they would need to run more tests to firstly find out why and how it could happen to a young adult as myself. And secondly, is to place me on a Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) which is basically a long-term medication care.

So yeah, I have never been soo happy in life to hear that word (diagnosis)................

The Aftermaths

Well, it was certainly a relief that people now know, so there is no longer any secrets to be guarded/kept tightly. Certainly a relief indeed. But a relief is then replaced with queries like how could it be possible? What triggers it? What to do now? etc etc.. And of course, (unspokenly) blame were then being shifted around. Is it my fault? Is it yours? Is it my negligence? Is it yours? etc etc.. Oh man!!!...

Thankfully, the probes did not last long. After a few days, people simply stop asking or looking at me in a sorta weird or funny way. After a few days, life went back to normal for everyone, including me (or so it appears on the surface). I began on my quest for knowledge eventhough the outcome was still a mystery. I thought if the result was negative, then all I have gained is a general knowledge. And if it is positive, then all I have gained is a better understanding. The more I researched, the more similarities I found through the given checklist. And the more prepared I was (mentally) if the result was positive.

3months passed by and soon came 22nd December 2006. I went for my ultrasound scan and for my medical review. The doctor revealed that the hormones level were indeed relatively high. However, my scan results proved to be at a normal range i.e. nothing appeared wrong with my ovaries. but they can't figure out why the hormones were not absorbed. Thus the 2 results were rather confounding. To further deduce, I was then made to go for another blood test as well as to take another (stronger) dosage of oral contraceptives.

I don't quite understand it either. I mean, if my ovaries are fine or in its normal range, so how could I possibly have a "Pre-mature Ovarian Failure"? A possibiliy that was just too hard to swallow. And I was not able to answer questions from my mother, sisters, friends cause I, myself was at a puzzlement. In the end, mother felt that I am better off not finding out anymore and to end any treatment possible. She still believe that based on her own past experience, I would gain a similar outcome like hers too i.e. resumed menstrual cycle.

I guess, I am just the sort who wants to know what causes it and what can be done to avoid it for the future and what can be done till then. But I am surely glad to have done my research in prior.............................................

Newsflash

At this point in time, based on an advise from a friend, I decided to tell my family about my condition and its probability. My sisters are rather supportive of my decisions to find out more. I was more afraid of my mother actually. Afraid of what she would say, the expressions on her face etc. I was afraid, she would chide me. But above all, I was afraid that she might blame herself or something.

I finally told her over dinner (in a mixture of English and my somewhat poor native language). I mean, how do you explain the medical jargons and theology about hormones et such in native language when my mother is more of a simple person with a simple outlook on life? Like myself, I believe my mother did some selective hearing of her own as well because at some parts, her face just simply went blank. I have never quite understand what the metaphor "blank expression" means but with that look on her face, I finally did.

And for that one moment, we both were in silence. And in her blank facial expression and through her distant eyes, I actually saw how I had disappointed her. I took that as my fault and not hers. It was a strange feeling I had that even failing of exams, jobs, friends etc were incomparable to that failure. Suddenly, my paradigm shifted and what I thought was important for me all these while, actually no longer is. I thought having a good education, a good job and a good companion is sufficient to prove that I am independent with my life. To prove that I get by safely and I'm among good and supportive companions. Overall, I turns out as a good person.

But for that moment, I felt I was a disappointment to her. I guess all mothers would like to see their children havin their own children eventually in the future. But the same cannot be said about me and my future. Although at this point, nothing was concrete yet but I was preparing myself for the worst. After fretting and paranoid-ing over it, I became calm and positive about it.

But upon reflection, I was actually merely suppressing it away. I told myself that I shall not think about the issue anymore, feel about it till such a time where I have to face it like when I'm in a relationship and having to tell my future husband that I may not be able to conceive. I guess, I was actually escaping from the issue. But it was the only way out that I know of - that would keep me away from going deeper into depression. So yeah, I don't think about it nor talked about it eversince. Not much anyway.

My friends were (and still are up till now) rather supportive of me. Some felt for me. Some were speechless for me. While some were positive for me. But overall, everyone encouraged me to stay strong and have faith in God and His Grace. And that He indeed has a plan for each of us. I agree very much and I never blame Him for any of this. Even till now as we speak.

And I believe, "for every thing that He takes away from you, He will surely gives you something else back in return.." ........

Next Step

3 months then passed and it was time for my next appointment- 15th September 2006. My menses still did not flow regularly. Its like I took the pills and within days, I menstruated for a few days and then none.

I remembered feeling very apprehensive and cautious because of my blood test results. And I thought this would be the conclusion of it all. I mean, how many tests do they need to do in order to diagnose/conclude..

I was very glad to hear that the results were negative and overall, my blood is in a good condition i.e. no blood disorder or sorts. As they could not comprehend my condition, they then sent me for an ultrasound scan. Basically to determine if it is my ovaries that causes the menstruation to lapse.

It was a rather scary experience as it was my first ultrasound scan and besides, ultrasound is usually done on pregnant woman aint it? And so, the feeling of nervousness, scared, loss, weird, paranoid etc all came in place. For the scan, I have to fill up my bladder and I remembered mine was a funny experience because I drank way-way in advance as I was afraid I might take a long time for my bladder to get filled up.

She said my right ovary is smaller and she could not find my left ovary. Hmm. Another paranoia came into place. So what does it mean? I have an abnormal ovaries? Incomplete ovaries? What? What? What? Questions after questions filled my mind. I began to get more anxious and panicky.

I went back to see the doctor again after that (another 2hrs of wait) for a review. This time round, it was another doctor and she was more emphatic and I could hear her words clearly. It was a relief to know that nothing is wrong with my ovaries and it is common for the left to not be seen from the scan.

This time round, she did not give me any oral contraceptives. Instead, to wait for another 3months to determine if my menses would stabilise (without having any medications). Instead, I would have to return for another ultrasound scan. Again, to prove the aboved-hypothesis.

We had a joke amongst my colleagues back then. I was rather uptight for the past few weeks and my friend (former colleague) kept on saying, "Relax, don't lose your marbles over menial issues". But because I am a girl, another friend (former colleague) commented that the right saying would be, "Relax, don't lose your ovaries over menial issues". So, the next time when he commented that, my reply was, "yeah, tried as they may but they still could not find it while the right is smaller than average".. We all had our laughs and it was nice to be able to take it in a light note.

Anyway, it was at this appointment that I was also told about the prospect of Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure (POF) and its details. Of course I was shocked for a moment. The only thing that came to mind was infertile!!.. Those who knows me, knows that I would like to have at least 7kids all along but now...... I may not even have the chance for it. Of course, I then told myself that an adoption is still as the same but you know what? Imagine having your dream, your future being snatched away right infront of your very eyes. It is still not the same thing.

I was then made to take another round of blood test which determines on my hormones level - the ones that absorb and produces the necessary other hormones which makes us, women to menstruate. In a simple laymen explanation, our body releases these hormones which will then be absorbed by our ovaries to produce/release the egg for menstruation to take place.

In my case, for some reasons, these hormones are not absorbed and another hormones that assists in the absorption is not present. Thus a higher counts of these hormones would indicate a higher risk of a POF diagnosis.

I was devastated for my future...............................................

Hospital

My first checkup was on 8th July 2006.

Of course, true to what the doctor said, I had my menses after few days of taking the pills. It lasted for 5days and it was a HUGE relief. So I figured things were now back to normal. My friends were happy and so was I. And my family has still yet to know cause mainly I do not want to worry them.

Although Mum tends to trivialise things and our emotions but she still care fundamentally. I reckon her actions/reactions is because she actually does not know how to emphathise well. And in her attempt to be positive or comforting, her remarks usually comes across as trivialising and that would be offensive. I guess, that is where I inherit her trait.. :)

My checkup was with a foreign doctor who has a heavy accent. I had no clue on what she was actually saying but merely selecting on words to form my own meaning. Anyway, I related the story and she was being a tad non-responsive though. She made me took 2 blood tests - Growth hormone as well as for thyroid. In addition, she gave me another 21days supply of oral contraceptive to induce my menstruation.

According to her, usually it would take a few rounds of oral contraceptives before the cycle stabilises and things go back to its supposedly state. She did concur with the doctor from polyclinic that weight loss may causes "menses-loss". And thyroid too. Thus the tests were to rule it all out.

I was then given 3months before the next appointment.

At this point in time, there was very briefly mentioned about Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure (then: Premature Menopause). I guess the doctor was trying to be positve and not speculate unneccessarily. But of course, the very fact that I went to the hospital for a check-up has already made me feel inadequate and paranoid enough. Now, my paranoia extended to possibility of having a Growth Hormone Disorder (if there is such a thing) and/or thyroid condition.

And throughout it all, I tried very hard to stay positive, remain positive and simply to believe and have faith that things will be okay from herein (now that I had my menses back)............

First Check-Up

My first check-up was at our local polyclinic on 24th June 2006.

I was literally shaking as I related to the Doctor about my concern. She was shocked and asked why I delayed. I told her because I was told that it is normal and so I waited. I even told her that a friend of mine waited for 6months!! So mine was within an acceptable range. But of course, I lied. I told her that my lapses has been 1 year when in fact its 2years. I was embarrassed cause it was so long till I decided on seeking help.

I then did a pregnancy test just to rule that hypothesis out (which of course, its a Duh!! Negative!!). She then asked me if I had experience any night sweats, hot flushes, abnormal hair growth, pimple etc. The latter I told her was common cause of my oily skin. Erm.. Abnormal hair growth?? Of course not!!..

But I was very surprised on the night sweats and hot flushes as I had simply been dismissing it all these while. Little did I know that there was a correlation. Oh ya! She was astounded with my tremendous weight loss as well. She speculated that it could be my sudden and tremendous weight loss that may cause the lapses. However, to be sure, she referred me to our local women's hospital for further testing. Meanwhile, she gave some oral contraceptive pills and within 2 weeks, my menses should return.

And by then, my checkup would be at the hospital................................

The Beginning - 2006

By mid-2006, the lapses grew even wider and the cycle now lasted from 3 days to just 1day only. Strangely, I also began to display other symptoms such as night sweats. I attributed that cause to my fan being not strong enough (despite the fact that I used TWO every night at its fullest speed). I also began to have hot flushes (blushes) at times and usually I attributed that to feeling blushed or flattered. Cause at that time, I had lost even more weight - 63kg due to all the regular exercise as well as careful food intake. So I thought I was now more noticeable than before. Hehehe..

Well, the mood swings were still present but it was not as bad as those in 2004. Which again, I simply attributed it to PMS. Plus, I had my monthly cramps as well. So in that sense, if one still have these two common characteristics, one need not fear of anything right? Or that's what I thought.

Then, in a simple conversation with a friend, I found out that she had missed her menses like myself too. After 6months of void, she went to seek a professional help. The doctor took an ultrasound scan as well as gave her some oral contraceptives to induce the hormones for menstruation.

I was shocked and yet relieved to find out that a friend of mine had faced a similar problem as mine. But that relief quickly disappeared and replaced with fear. Fear that something could be awfully wrong with me as it had been nearly 2years for my irregularities. I thus, decided to share with her on my situation and that was a relief - that someone now knows about it. It's like a secret-kept for too long and now let go.

Of course, she urged me to see a doctor but I was too scared of the possible outcome. I had seen an episode from our local series, "First Touch" of a similar case. The character was 25years old and she was diagnosed with Pre-Menopause and she was distraught. I could never forget that show and the look on her face cause I saw myself in it.

So I asked my friends this question, "If you suspect something is wrong (medically), would you want to know what it now or let nature take its natural cause and you might find out naturally in the end? And what happens if you know it now and it is a bad thing. Thus wouldn't it better to not know then?"

Most replied that they would rather know it now as that would mean early detection and intervention. So I then told them of my predicament. Most were shocked and urged me to go for a checkup asap. But alas, I was still contemplating cause I felt that I would rather not know at all and even if it means no menses, then so be it. I guess, I still believe that I would have it eventually - in time.

In an effort to push me for a checkup, a friend then made an appointment for me (without my knowledge and consent) as well as print out some articles for me. I was naturally angry as I was not prepared for it mentally but I was also touched. We argued and to end the arguments, I agreed to go.

I slept really late the night before as I was nervous and was still contemplating of going or not. On that fateful day, I pretended to over-slept. My handphone and residential line kept on ringing non-stop and I eventually answered after 30mins. My friend and a few others were already on their way to meet me at the clinic while another would meet me sometime later in the afternoon. She nagged me the whole time so I decided to go ahead anyway.

And so it all began from herein forward................................

The Beginning - 2005

In 2005, as part of my new lifestyle, I signed up for a gym membership. I began my regular workouts and by mid 2005, I was at 68kg. I was very proud of myself and my weight-loss that I neglected my "menses loss" so as to speak.

As time went by, the lapses grew more distant/wider i.e. from 2-3months to 6months!!.. I did panicked for a little while and I indirectly asked my mother about it i.e. "is it common for a mid-20s to be having such cause chronologically, my body has way past its developmental stage?" And her reply was rather assuring as she cited that she faced a similar situation before in her early 20s and eventually the problem dissolved and the cycle became regular again.

I dare not confide with my friends about this cause I felt embarrassed of what they might perceive of me i.e. under-developed or something. So I kept it to myself. Not even from my sisters and mother.

Sometimes, I had to pretend that I was menstruating when infact I was not like buying of sanitary pads when I actually don't need it, skipping about 3 days of fast so as not to arise any suspicious. And I prayed every night for that sin but I was simply too afraid to let others knew and to even find out for myself. I guess, I kept on believing that things will be back to normal eventually so I should just wait patiently.

Thus, I dropped the matter, the concern and simply focused on other elements in my life - work, family, friends, losing weight etc.

No one knew. NO ONE....................

The Beginning - 2004

It all started sometime in mid-2004 when I noticed that my menses were irregular - as in, usually it lasted for 7days but this time round, it differed from 7days to 5 days and sometimes to 3days only. Sometimes, the interval in between before the next onset was irregular too - as in, usually it was about 3-4 weeks but this time round, it differed from 3 weeks to 2 weeks and sometimes a few days before the next onset.

I never thought anything odd about it as fundamentally, I was sill menstruating anyway, thus "whats the big deal about?". Then towards the end of the year, I slowly began to lose weight and by the end of the year, I had lost a tremendous amount. From an 81kg in Sept to 72kg. (I was obsessed with an Internet game so I wasn't eating properly during my holidays break)

It was at that time, that I noticed, I began to "miss" my menses. It started with 2-3months before the next onset; which by the way was still an irregular cycle i.e. sometimes 3 or 5days period. I hadn't thought much about it as I figured it was normal cause when I was in my teens, I experienced the same situations. Plus, I was told at that time (in my teens), that it was indeed normal to have lapses and common too as the body was at its developing stage.

Aside from that, I was also feeling rather easily depressive and short-tempered. I was facing some challenges at work and I took every comments/feedbacks in either (ultra) defensive or (ultra) depressive manner. I could be feeling charged up at the start of the day and feeling very lousy of myself by the end of it.

On top of that, I was also facing some challenges with my friends. I guess, we were all at the age whereby we were at the peak of our career and our lives. So they got busy and driven and neglected our friendship in the process. That kinda added to my mood swings and I mainly attributed its uderlying cause to be PMS (Pre/Post-Menstruation Syndrome).

So yeah.. What could possibly be wrong right, I thought........

Introduction

Something we always see or read or hear during those "meetings" are having to acknowledge our problem. It is said that through acknowledgement, comes acceptance and moving on. So, allow me to introduce myself or rather this blog.

My name is Siti and I am recently diagnosed with "Pre-Mature Ovarian Failure". This blog describes mostly on my experience, feelings, thoughts as I now venture on this path of the unknown.

When I first came to know that I may be diagnosed with a "Premature Ovarian Failure (POF)", I quickly searched the net for more information as well as for support groups, as I'm sure there must be. To my dismay, I can't seem to find any from our local community and that gives me a feeling of lost. When I went back to the clinic a few months later, I searched for brochures but all I could find is information regarding "Menopause" and a support group for that group.

I finally have the courage to pursue this as I now have more information about it. And I very much hope through relating of this experience, I could get to know of others who are like me and gain some insights on what they have gone through or are going through, to learn from them etc. And who knows, we may even have our own "groupie".. Hehehe..

There's a saying, "We don't understand because we don't know. And we don't know because we are not aware." So, I also hope through doing this, people would become more aware especially the young readers who may be facing a similar situation like me but afraid to act, would now act on the matter rather than letting it slide or be non-chalant about it..

So that's done.. Lets walk down my memory lane, shall we?.. *wink*