My shattered dreams..

As given, I went for my follow-up last week i.e. 21st June 2007. How ironic that all of my medical appointments with major results awaiting, falls either a day before or after my day.. Hmm..

Anyway, I went to see the Specialist on that day. Her first question was, "..how are you?" which was nice actually. And you can immediately sensed her sincerity in that question and it is not just a typical question which Doctor is required to ask him/her patients. Her next question as she read my case file was, "so how? all cleared? nearly a year since I last saw you.." She remembers me.. I am flattered..

We started off by her questioning me on my understanding of POF and she made some clarifications about it as well. When it comes to fertility, she actually whispered (and with a dire look of concern) as she asked me THE question. I nodded and smiled as I responded that I have already psychologically prepare myself for that and I am coming to terms with it all. To me, an adoption is still a viable option. Of course, I would want my own kids naturally but if I cant, should I thus deprive myself of the joy, the warmth, the love of a child simply because he/she is not by my birth?

I sensed that she was shocked with my calmness and ease although she did concur with my views as well. We then discussed on the types of medication and it dawned upon me that I have now become chronic case. This is because, the medications which I will be taking, it is for lifelong. Just like how my elder sis is relying lifelong on thyroidsine to control her thyroid glands, and so am I now. Looks like it all runs in the family yeah?.. Hehehe..

After hearing both sides, I have decided to take on oral contraceptives (Meliane) instead of HRT. Meliane is also considered as a form of hormone replacement as it induces these hormones (which I am lacking in some and excess in some) for menstruation. In comparison with HRT, it is merely for hormones replacement. Besides, HRT has a higher and stronger effect which is suitable for women who has menopaused but not recommended for those with POF.

We were unable to discuss about the chromosomes as the results are not out yet. I was once again scheduled for another follow-up for this. Meanwhile, I told the Doctor that I doubt I would have a Turner's syndrome because from what I researched and read, persons with Turner's syndrome are mainly smaller in height and has some form of growth defects. As for me, I am averagely short i.e. 150cm and I do not have any of the physical characteristics described. The Doctor replied that one can't determine Turner's syndrome simply based from height or physical characteristics alone. Turner's syndrome may have an impact in the body that one may not know about like heart, liver, kidney, lungs-related conditions etc."

"..oh, you mean, just like in Autism and ADHD? You cant tell simply by their looks.." And she said yes. And at that point, my expressions changed. I was hoping to rule myself out from anything and simply be contented with POF being an act/will from God, and that I am healthy too. But I was wrong as I am still in the danger stage, basing from her explanations. And that made me fret and worried about the uncertainty.

The whole week, I was thinking and worrying about the above, the hypothesis, formulating a backup plans etc. Now, it is no longer about being able to conceive or not but about my general health. Now that is scary. But you know what? I was also thinking and reflecting that IF anything untowards or undesired happens, I have no regrets of how I run my life all these while.

+ I have no enemies (Im not sure if others considered me as theirs but even so, it doesnt bother me cause I dont consider you as an enemy).

+ I am single (and Im fine with that as it means I do not have to see another important and dearly heart breaks and weeps. Do you know that to have another person's heart breaks and tears for you, is most saddening? At least, thats how I feel. So I cant bear that responsibility. Its just too heavy and much and selfish. At least thats how I feel)

+ I have worked (the joys, the experience, the tribulations, the downfalls - these are all that makes me grow, that makes me experience the things called life and not forgetting the wonderful friends I have made along the way - each special in every way)

+ I have family and friends (those that accepts me for my quirks and irrationality through the years and those that stuck by me even when their own dynamics and priorities changed. Yes, I have offended some with my ways, my views, my questions but I hold no grudge, judgemental nor malice against them all)

Oh.. I did ask the Doctor if this is common and has she experienced with such cases. She replied that an 14-year old gal was diagnosed with POF yesterday. Compared with mine (which was a gradual menstrual loss), this gal do not even have any menstruation. I feel lucky but yet very sad for that poor girl. She is only 14 and to be told at 14 that you may not be able to conceive is like taking a life away, robbing the dreams away. Perhaps, she may not want children thus this came as a good news but it is hard to say for the future.

Even for myself, who is all calm and composed and appear to have accepted it all, for all I know, it is actually being in denial. I do know that I am fine with the newfound fact (that I cant conceive) and so are my family members and my few close friends. They never ask me how I feel about it unless I initiated on the topic. And even then, they too do not know what to say further so they did what most rational and matured people did - comforting words. And the conversation then quickly moved to a different topic. I guess they are uncomfortable so I did not want to prolong it and moved along as well. Though sometimes I feel its difficult because noone seems to want to talk about it but merely listen. I feel inadequate with having a listening ear, like Im whining too much. Its nice to have someone to talk to instead.

For the future, I dont know.. All I know is that I have to live with a fact that was given to me -without my consent or choice..............