Newsflash

At this point in time, based on an advise from a friend, I decided to tell my family about my condition and its probability. My sisters are rather supportive of my decisions to find out more. I was more afraid of my mother actually. Afraid of what she would say, the expressions on her face etc. I was afraid, she would chide me. But above all, I was afraid that she might blame herself or something.

I finally told her over dinner (in a mixture of English and my somewhat poor native language). I mean, how do you explain the medical jargons and theology about hormones et such in native language when my mother is more of a simple person with a simple outlook on life? Like myself, I believe my mother did some selective hearing of her own as well because at some parts, her face just simply went blank. I have never quite understand what the metaphor "blank expression" means but with that look on her face, I finally did.

And for that one moment, we both were in silence. And in her blank facial expression and through her distant eyes, I actually saw how I had disappointed her. I took that as my fault and not hers. It was a strange feeling I had that even failing of exams, jobs, friends etc were incomparable to that failure. Suddenly, my paradigm shifted and what I thought was important for me all these while, actually no longer is. I thought having a good education, a good job and a good companion is sufficient to prove that I am independent with my life. To prove that I get by safely and I'm among good and supportive companions. Overall, I turns out as a good person.

But for that moment, I felt I was a disappointment to her. I guess all mothers would like to see their children havin their own children eventually in the future. But the same cannot be said about me and my future. Although at this point, nothing was concrete yet but I was preparing myself for the worst. After fretting and paranoid-ing over it, I became calm and positive about it.

But upon reflection, I was actually merely suppressing it away. I told myself that I shall not think about the issue anymore, feel about it till such a time where I have to face it like when I'm in a relationship and having to tell my future husband that I may not be able to conceive. I guess, I was actually escaping from the issue. But it was the only way out that I know of - that would keep me away from going deeper into depression. So yeah, I don't think about it nor talked about it eversince. Not much anyway.

My friends were (and still are up till now) rather supportive of me. Some felt for me. Some were speechless for me. While some were positive for me. But overall, everyone encouraged me to stay strong and have faith in God and His Grace. And that He indeed has a plan for each of us. I agree very much and I never blame Him for any of this. Even till now as we speak.

And I believe, "for every thing that He takes away from you, He will surely gives you something else back in return.." ........